Tonight I Want To Cry

This is a post I wrote several weeks ago and wasn’t going to publish, but it has come up in conversation several times since I originally wrote it.  A coworker came up to me this morning and told me a few things that were going on and how he wished he could just cry and get over being so stressed.  How bad things were and how he just wanted to let the emotion out. So, I ended up reading him this post and when I told him I had held off in publishing this, he said maybe I should share it because  a lot of us feel like this sometimes. So here she is….

Remember that Keith Urban song?  I’m wishing it would help right now.  I’ve been on the verge of tears for about a week (maybe a little more if I’m really honest) and I just. Can’t. Cry.

It’s a weird situation to be in.  I am woman.  Hear me roar.  And all of that.  All of my life I have been learning how to be strong, how to keep up a brave face, how to keep it all together so I can lead those around me.  Oh, I’ve failed.  Plenty of times.  I can remember at least four times in my twenty-year career that I cried at work.  I’m not particularly proud of any of them, but hey, life happens.

There is an image to keep up here as well.  Strong female leader.  Boss Lady. “Successful Single Person”.  Oldest sibling.  First born.  Former self-image sufferer.  Whatever.  You name it and there’s a reason to not be a crier.  And honestly, I really don’t cry all that much.  I get misty-eyed over videos of soldiers coming home and surprising their loved ones or of someone making a huge accomplishment in their life or something.  Oh, and the night Eric Lindros’ jersey was retired.  (Not like I’m surprising anyone there). But for the most part, I don’t often get broken up about stuff and have epic cry fests.

Which brings us to this current situation.  People. I. Need. To. Cry.  Like the worst ugly cry you’ve ever seen.  I have been holding emotion back for days upon days – trying to keep up appearances and show everyone that it is ok.  That we will get through this.  That I will get through this.  Then something happened that will bring about a major change in my professional life.  Something I knew was coming but that was always wayyyyy in the future.  And I honestly thought I could redirect that situation and it wouldn’t happen.  It would happen the way I wanted it to go.  Nope.  It’s happening.  Even in the midst of the plague. Then, to heap flaming piles of poo onto all of this crap, I find out that a major piece of the puzzle isn’t going to be available. Again – in the midst of all this crap.

How does this happen?  How is it okay?  Why is it okay? Yep, I sure don’t have the answers to all of this.  You know what I want to do, though?  Cry.  Ugly epic cry.  And I can’t do it.  Not to save my life.  You girls know what I mean – the kind of healing cry that goes on for awhile and hurts so bad but is also so needed.  Yep.  Not happening.

My friends suggested watching Beaches, or dog movies and my sister told to watch the video for “What Hurts The Most”.  I just may do them all at once.  Maybe that will work.

I may put on my favorite black hoodie, hide in a dark room and listen to Linkin Park’s “My December” on repeat and see if that works.

UPDATE: Thanks to some awesome people in my life, I finally did cry that night.  It was short-lived and oh so ugly, but it happened.  And yep, I felt better for it.